INTRODUCING GUEST COLUMNIST - "ASK SPIKE"

Dear Readers,

I'm very proud to introduce a new feature to my blog (at no additional cost to you). Spike Jones, a seven-year-old black lab from Manti, Utah, will be starting a column entitled "Ask Spike." Spike has a broad range of hobbies and experiences, and is looking forward to answering your questions--whether you are human or canine. Spike has a dual Master's Degree in retreiving and philosophy. He enjoys long rides in the country, retreiving frisbees, retreiving birds, watching the Red Sox, eating table food, and solving calculus problems. Please send your questions to voodoovern@mail.manti.com. No topics are off limits!

Enjoy!
Voo

INTRODUCING SPIKE JONES --- MANTI'S BLACK LAB COLUMNIST

Spike hunting

Spike watching the Red Sox

Spike studying waterfowl

Spike ordering items for his Den

SPIKE'S MAILBAG

LETTER #1

Dear Spike,

I am a one-year-old Border Collie and have developed the habit of chronic leg-humping. I am totally obsessed with it. Do I need psychiatric help?

Signed,
Horny Hal


Dear Hal,

It is absolutely normal behavior for a dog of your age to be humping legs. At that period of my life I was humping every leg is sight, from chair legs, to table legs, to piano legs, to the Mailman's legs---and even the Manti City Dog Catcher's legs. Once in awhile I would even spend an evening with a shovel handle. However, Hal, it is a habit that must be broken. Just about all humans, with the exception of Costanza, do not appreciate having their legs violated. With self discipline, I broke the habit and you must break the habit too. No one can help you but your inner conscience. It is very dangerous to continue. I have a cousin named Vinnie who could never become the Master of his Domain and it eventually caused him to go blind (see photo below). Good luck, Hal!

Signed,
Spike

My Blind Cousin Vinnie

LETTER #2

Dear Spike,

I am a Golden Retreiver and I can't explain it but I just love chasing cats. Is this normal?

Signed,
Feline-Fixated Phil


Dear Phil,

Absoultely! Chasing cats is something you can do your whole life. It is exhilarating, satisfying, and an affordable hobby that you can look forward to on a daily basis. You see, Phil, cats are very annoying. They leave hair everywhere, are impossible to house break, and are actually afraid of mice. They think they are so cool, but they scare very easily. I've included some pictures below of me, engaged in one of my many cat-chasing escapades. Happy cat-chasing!

Signed,
Spike

This is Fence Post Fred. I send him up the post every day while on my morning run.

This is Mangy Marv. I can put him up a tree by just giving him a casual look.

This is Cluster Climber Cal. He has not really figured out the best tress with the best branches that are condusive to climbing.

This is Nervous Pervous. She has a fear of leaves. I always show her the courtesy of running her up a leafless tree.

LETTER #3

Dear Spike,

What's your favorite movie?

Signed,
Spot


Dear Spot,

Ah! Cinema is one of my favorite pasttimes. Lately I've been obsessed with French existential films from the 30s and 40s, but I have to say that my favorite movie of all time is The Wizard of Oz. It's about a dog named Toto who helps four less-than-brilliant characters find the meaning of life. It is an action-packed thriller and Toto performs many heoric feats. Some of my favorite scenes are shown in the pictures below:

Toto leading the four intelligence impaired co-stars.

Toto on aleart.

Dim-witted Dorothy and Toto

During this part of the movie, Toto bites the incrediably obnoxious Lollipop Kids and gives all three of them rabies..

Toto savagely rips apart two flying monkeys.

Toto pees on the Wicked Witch and causes her to melt!

"What a world, what a world"

Toto pulls the curtain and exposes the wizard. Toto discovers the wizard is no wizard, but indeed a fraud and pervert, hiding behind curtains.

Finally, Toto jumps out of Dorothy's arms to chase a cat which prevents Dorothy from being kidnapped by a weird old man in a balloon.

The Wizard of Oz is a work of cinetmatic genius and I highly recommend it to all of my readers.

Signed,
Spike

LETTER #4

Dear Spike,

What's the best way to carry a bird---in your paws or in a backpack?
Signed,
Stumped in Salina



Dear Stumped,

You dumb bastard. The best way to carry a bird is in your mouth! (see photo below)

Signed,
Spike

LETTER #5

Dear Spike,

What's your favorite Federal Duck Stamp.

Signed,
Post-dog Pete


Dear Pete,

The Federal Duck Stamp issued in 1959 is the only duck stamp ever to feature a dog. The dog just happens to be a Black Lab. It just happens to be my great, great, great, great, uncle....Uncle Buck . (see below)

Uncle Buck



LETTER #6

Dear Spike,

What's your favorite painting?

Signed,
Art

Dear Art,

I don't mean to brag, Art, but by some coincidence one of my favorite paintings happens to be of myself retrieving a pheasant. (see below)

LETTER #7

Dear Spike,

What's your favorite book?

Signed,
Literary Lou

Dear Lou,

One of my favorites is A Dog For All Seasons. It was written with me in mind and outlines to the reader just how versatile Labs are. We are, among other things, good hunters, retrievers, family dogs, watch dogs, landscape technicians, riding companions, office assistants, controllers of pests, and tenders of children. (see photo below)

Signed,

Spike

LETTER #8

Dear Spike,

I love to fetch and want to be a hunting dog, but my "master" insists that I live the life of a poodle.

Signed,
Peter Poodle


Dear Peter,

I don't correspond with poodles. Go back to France!

Signed,
Spike

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.

.

LETTER#9

Dear Spike,

I am a Yellow Lab and so everything my master asks of me. But he always makes me sleep outside. It doesn't seem fair.

Signed

.

Afraid of the Dark Mark

.

Dear Mark,

.

That is all bullshit. I have never slept outside in my life. I actually have my own bed with an electric blanket, a nighttime snack bar next to my bed, my own TV and remote, and a reading lamp. You need to straighten out your master. When he comes home wag your tail and take the stupid ass a pillow. Pretend you are really glad to see him. Do things to make him like you and want to be with you every minute. If he still persists in putting you out at night, there are other options. Chew up the garden hoses, patio furniture, and young trees. Write your name in the grass with urine. Bury his yard tools. Put dead mice in his mail box. Take the spark plugs out of his car and lawnmower. Roll in something dead and then sit on his car seat. Dig a hole under the fence and invite 37 of your closest dogs friends over for an all-nighter. I think your master will soon get the picture.

.

Signed,

Spike

BONUS BLOG FEATURE

SPIKE'S BLACK LAB BABES (Not suitable for pups)

Sack Time Susie..... Susie is always ready to rumble and does't require foreplay.



Carnival Connie....I had an interesting time with Connie on the Ferris wheel at the last Sanpete County Fair.




The Olsen Twins...... These two K9 nymphos can wear a guy right into the ground.





Wilma The Water World Wonder.....This bitch can do things under water that I never dreamed of.

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That's it for this time. Hope to be hearing from some of you readers. Remember that Voo's next blog will feature another assortment of interesting topics as well as a report on Tulip and Teen Teen visiting Manti and the Sanpete Ducks Unlimited Dinner being held on the 27th.

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Quotes of the Day:

I have a great dog. She is half Lab and half Pit Bull. A great combination. Sure she may bite my leg off, but she will always bring it back to me. ....Jimi Celeste

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When I blow in Spike's face he gets mad at me. But when I take him the the car he always sticks his head out the window......... Voo

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If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater...... suggest that he wear a tail.... Fran Lebowitz

POLLY ELIASON- ARTIST---MORE QUIZ WINNERS--GENERAL MOTORS-- STRANGE BUT TRUE-

ARTIST OF THE WEEK

Artist of the Week - Polly Eliason of Santa Fe, New Mexico
Polly is a business person, homemaker, renowned artist, and--with the exception of her two oldest daughters--has raised an exemplary family.
Polly is one of my nieces, and although she may not be my favorite niece, she is in the top four.

Copyright laws prohibit me from displaying work from her professional portfolio; however, she is also famous in Sanpete County, Utah for her unique rock paintings. In the photo above she is painting the finishing touches on the logo for Skull Valley Ranch, next to an old pioneer house.

Pictured above is one her most famous rock compositions entitled "Desert Waterfowl."

Polly is very popular here in Manti and occasionally thrills the crowds when she appears in our 4th of July Parade with her husband, Marconi.

Polly is pictured above waving to her thousands of fans at last year's parade.

This is Polly with her two oldest daughters, Willow and Piper. Be sure and check out her website at: www.pollyeliasonart.com
I know you will love Polly's work and if you know her, you undoubtedly love her too. She is beautiful, bright, funny, and has taken on the inconceivably difficult task of living with Marconi.




VOO'S FAVORITE SOPRANO BABE

Charmaine Bucco portrayed by Kathrine Narducci




WINNERS: QUIZ #2

Clint Boswell, a.k.a. The Dude* (pictured above with his field trial winning, pointer named Divot)
The Dude scored 20 out of a possible 22 and wins the gift certificate at Cousin Bob's (the value of the gift certificate to be determined at a later date)

*Note: I have known The Dude for 20 years, and can personally vouch for his honesty, integrity, and impeccable citizenship. It is an honor to have him participate in my quiz.




DISQUALIFIED ENTRY

Oil Can


DISQUALIFIED ENTRY

The Wolf

These two gentlemen were disqualified because they corrupted the quiz and engaged in fraudulent, unscrupulous, unethical, unsportsmanlike behaviors.
(What they did was worse shit than Watergate.)
Oil Can* had a perfect score of 22 points (using his typical shady, sleazy techniques),
but that wasn't good enough. He let his ever-present greed take over, and attempted to further enrich himself by selling quiz answers to the dimwitted Wolf.

* Note: Oil Can's personal blog further illustrates what a self-centered, pompous, egotistical ass he really is. The vast majority of the photos on his blog are of himself--many of them showing him holding dead fish that somebody else caught.



2ND PLACE WINNER

Teen Teen a.k.a. Margo, a.k.a. The Leaf-eater
With a score of 19, Teen Teen wins herself another meatloaf dinner with a medium drink at the Sno Cap Lanes.

*Note: Her sister, Opie, was evidently overwhelmed by the complexity of the quiz and failed to even submit an entry. But at least she didn't succumb to the slimy underworld inhabited by The Wolf and Oil Can.



WINNER: QUIZ #3
(Previously known as the "Quiz for those with an elevation impaired IQ")

Joyce Eliason
Joyce is pictured above at one of the many "private" parties she hosted while at Manti High School.


STRANGE BUT TRUE...

The other day Spike and I were walking out of the Manti Red Cross Blood Bank after making our weekly donation. A guy I used to know when I was on the U.S. Olympic Ski team stopped me and said, "Voo, what's the most unique cemetery that you've ever visited?" I said, "That's easy. It's got to be the Hope Cemetery in Barre, Vermont. Barre is the "granite capital" of the U.S., and that granite is used to create some very unique headstones."

Pictured below are some of these headstones:

WHAT'S WRONG WITH GENERAL MOTORS?

It was a boring evening. I had just finished my daily 10-mile run with Spike. I sat down to rest and popped in a video of The Wolf shaving his legs. This is always good for a few laughs. (Spike especially enjoys it.) Suddenly the phone rang. An old friend of mine that I knew when I was doing research at MIT said to me, "Hey Voo, what's wrong with General Motors?" I will tell you blog readers (all 5 of you), what I told him: GM is making great cars. Some of them are getting 40 miles per gallon. The engines will last for 300,000 miles. They are comfortable with great sound systems, satellite radio, and Global Positioning Systems. However, GM (along with the other U.S. automakers) needs to go back to its roots. What these American-made cars lack is something they used to have in abundance..................TAIL FINS!

This 1959 Chev Impala is identical to Voo's first car.

1958 Chrysler

1957 Chrysler

1959 Cadillac--the ultimate in Tail Fins

Another 1959 Cad

1959 Pontiac

1959 Chev

Another 1959 Chev

Another 1959 Cad

1959 Buick

'59 Buick

Sure these cars only got 8 miles per gallon and didn't have any safety features whatsoever,
but they had style!




RANGER BOB'S OUTDOOR TIP OF THE DAY:
USING YOUR WATCH AS A COMPASS

A watch with hands will help you find what direction you are traveling. Hold the watch horizontally and point the hour hand toward the sun. The midpoint between the hour hand and 12:00 o'clock is true south. During daylight savings take the midpoint between the hour hand and 1:00 o'clock to compensate for the one hour difference.

"I have used this son-of-a-bitching method hundreds of times when I have been lost in the forest. I swear by it. It works." --Ranger Bob



RED SOX LEGEND OF THE WEEK

Jimmy Piersall
Brilliant Red Sox right fielder from 1950-57

Piersall suffered a nervous breakdown and wrote a best-selling book named "Fear Strikes Out." The book was also made into a movie starring Anthony Perkins, who had obviously never touched a bat or ball in his life.


DEAD ROCK-N-ROLL LEGEND OF THE WEEK

Bill Haley
Bill Haley and his back-up group, The Comets, started it all in 1955 with "Rock Around the Clock."

Rock until you're dizzy
Roll until you vomit
The only thing I wanted
was to be a Haley's Comet

----original by Voo

FLY OF THE WEEK

The Apprentice



KNOT OF THE WEEK

The Blood Knot

This knot is commonly used by guides to tie two leaders together. A good guide will tie this knot in 30 seconds. I find it very difficult and I'm lucky if I can tie it in 30 minutes.



MORE SISTER PHOTOS

This is Joanne when she was a BYU Cheerleader.

This is Joyce when she was in charge of security on the BYU campus.




News Events:
Teen Teen and Tulip visit from Vermont.
Joanne and Little Martha recover from hand surgeries
Haley and Sarah continue to grow: When will it stop?
Sanpete Ducks Unlimited next weekend


QUOTE OF THE WEEK:
"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive, and all his impersonators would be dead."
---Johnny Carson



More fun next week when we'll talk about "How to Be Popular at Church Dances (especially when you don't go to church)"

Also, Spike is getting ready to start his own column on this blog. Watch for it soon!

That's all for now.
Voo has left the building.